I completed the week long focus on “Knowledge of Mary” today. Frankly, the reading and prayers have been a fog since I find myself just trying to get through it. What I did take away from this week was that as Jesus came to us through Mary, we, in turn, can and should go to Jesus through Mary.
de Montfort does a nice job of leading us through the week focusing on the virtues of Mary but ultimately ending up demonstrating how these virtues lead to greater intimacy with Jesus. In fact, he essentially says that God “does not now have any absolute need of the Blessed Virgin for the accomplishment of his will and the manifestation of his glory.” But, because God decided to accomplish his greatest works through Mary, we can be confident that God calls us to Jesus in a special way through her.
I can tell that this devotion to Jesus through Mary will be challenging since it calls for rearrangement of attitudes and practices of the past. I can only believe that the grace of the Spirit through Mary can accomplish these changes where I myself would find it impossible. That is part of the surrender to her care.
I posted some time ago that my brother had suffered some very serious spinal cord damage nearly a year ago. After surgery he was terribly depressed and faced a variety of emotional, spiritual, financial and physical challenges. I am grateful and pleased to report that he returned to work a few weeks ago and, though he has a long way to go, he is improving and seems to be healing slowly but surely. And, as pessimistic as he had been about his prognosis, he even acknowledged the improvements that had taken place during the past few months. That says a lot given his state of mind not too long ago. Many prayers have been offered. It appears they are being answered.
I am off to retreat this weekend beginning tomorrow. To be honest, I am not really looking forward to it for the first time ever. It is mainly the logistics of driving about 150 miles to get there and the fact that I feel so crappy. I will be with my friend John who just turned 80 last week. I attended his birthday party and remember how fantastic I felt. It was a long drive into Philadelphia and back but I felt so good physically, it was a pleasure to do it. I haven’t a clue what has happened since then but I will be offering this up for a variety of intentions. I only hope that I’m not too much of a downer for John since he so looks forward to this each year. I will do my best.
I will be keeping all who visit this space in my prayers while I am away. There is no formality, just four days of quiet reflection.
God bless you!
I have completed the section that focuses on Knowledge of Self and begun the 7 days dedicated to Knowledge of Mary. de Montfort begins by using gospel passages to remind us of the humility and virtues of Mary. How, at the Nativity and afterward, she “treasured all these things and pondered them in her heart.”
de Montfort states that if we are to be united to God that “we must use the same means he used to come down to us to be made Man and impart His graces to us. This means is a true devotion to our Blessed Lady.”
He refers to those who are reading his words as “predestinate souls.” This has a profound impact on me since the 15th promise of Mary to those who pray the rosary is that “devotion to my rosary is a great sign of predestination.” These are powerful and intimidating words.
I would have been surprised if the preparation process would have proceeded totally smoothly with one satisfying grace experience after another. But I would have welcomed it. Unfortunately, my stomach problems have returned with a vengeance and the past few days have been truly unpleasant. This has really knocked me for a loop since I had been doing so well for so long and the beginning of the improvement had coincided with the beginning of the consecration preparation.
I find myself in a dark place now, since this has really affected my mood. A few other issues have crept up to remind me of how flawed and fragile a human being I am. A loss of computer data, scheduling mishaps, the work stress, financial worries, combined with the stomach miseries (and trust me, it is miserable), are all combining to make me snappy and depressed.
I wonder, sometimes, if the awareness of someone pursuing a deeper relationship with Mary simply outrages the devil. I have thought, in the past, that someone with a special relationship with Mary bears a certain armor against Satan that is particularly maddening to him. It would seem likely that he would do anything he could to thwart the intentions of someone preparing to consecrate their heart and soul to a mortal enemy. Perhaps that explains some of what’s happening right now. Perhaps not.
I just pray that the Blessed Mother will bear me up and support me at this time. I long to find peace and union with Christ through her. I do wonder, sometimes, if peace will ever be mine. I realize that physical suffering takes its toll on the mind and the spirit and the recurrence hit me harder than I would have thought. It will make the process more difficult but no less meaningful and important. But it is my lifelong tendency towards fear and despair that I fight with and that scares me more than anything else.
Hail Mary, full of grace, pray for this sinner!
(Note: At the very moment I completed this post the phone rang. It was my son who had just left the house no more than a minute before. His voice was shaking and he said that about a half mile from our house he was coming over a crest of a hill only to find that another vehicle was in his lane coming straight at him. He slammed on his brakes and the other car swerved and missed him by “no more than inches.” Thank you, Blessed Mother, for protecting my son!)
During the preparation for Consecration, I have been struck with how much emphasis there is on the role of the Holy Spirit. During the first 12 days de Montfort includes in the daily prayers that accompany the readings the Veni Creator (Come, Holy Spirit, Creator blest, and in our souls take up Thy rest;) During the next phase the Litany of the Holy Ghost is included each day. So each and every day the Holy Spirit is called on extensively to assist with the necessary re-creation that is the goal of the consecration. The Spirit is recognized as the person of the Trinity that molds the heart and mind such that the type of surrender to Mary is even possible.
I am finding the “letting go” part of this process very difficult. But I am realizing that I am not in control here and shouldn’t be putting so much pressure on myself to “be” a certain way or to “feel” a certain way. I am asking Mary to help me to just trust her in this regard and let the Holy Spirit do the job he is called to do here.
Perhaps it is the subtle infusion of grace that calls me to be a better person than I am capable of being on my own. I re-read the previous post and, frankly, I am embarrassed and slightly ashamed for the anger that I expressed. I don’t blame myself for feelings that I might have but I do expect a little more control when it comes to how I manage these feelings.
Yesterday, I received a phone call from Silverback asking if I could provide my perspective on something that was said during the meeting the day before. He and my other partner had spoken just prior and the discussion became a bit heated from what I understand. He told me that he thinks that I may be the only one with a level head in this situation and without some type of agenda. He complimented me up and down and shared some personal challenges that he is facing. It is strange to be viewed as the level-headed one.
My point here is that I feel called to practice Christian virtue in this situation but to apply human logic and sense. And I believe that supplanting emotion with acceptance and surrender and, yes, even charity, is made possible only by grace. But I also realize that I can’t be naive and must be, to whatever degree I am capable, “clever as a fox.”
It is almost impossible to articulate all of the things that have been in a state of flux since the beginning of the year. Most of them are occurring internally and involve physical, emotional and spiritual components. The almost miraculous relief from my stomach problems, regaining my appetite, change in my sleep patterns, reduction in anxiety, greater confidence in prayer, etc. are all affirmations that I hold tight to. I also have a deeper sense of gratitude and appreciation for the very slightest gift, even a plumbing adventure gone right instead of wrong.
It cannot be mere coincidence that these things occur as I proceed with the consecration preparation. At least I refuse to believe it is. It seems to me that when you are headed down the right path the Lord or his Blessed Mother will let you know that you are going the right way. I would expect nothing less. And I believe that I am being led and have been provided the grace to follow accordingly. Prayer by prayer, step by step, thought by thought, breath by breath.
I have the spent the past few days mentally and spiritually preparing for the meeting with our partner, whom we less-than-affectionately refer to as the Silverback. After many months of delays, postponements and preparatory discussions, we finally had the meeting. My prayer and personal goal has been for a “peaceful, amicable and equitable” solution to these business partnership problems. I have very specifically surrendered this whole situation to the Blessed Mother as is appropriate for one consecrated to her Immaculate Heart.
The meeting was strained and uncomfortable but we did manage to get through it without any name-calling and obscenity-spewing. Frankly, I find it very difficult to tolerate this man’s belligerent and arrogant approach to our business relationship and, to be even more frank, I don’t really like him. But, for the time being, we are stuck with each other. As usual, I struck a diplomatic and conciliatory tone in my attempt to maintain peace. It is a part of my personality that I’m not fond of but seems to be consistent with Jesus call in the Sermon on the Mount to be meek and to be peacemakers. But, deep down I’d like to tell this man…but I refrain.
He is a bully. I can’t stand bullies. He is confrontational. I can’t stand confrontation. He is manipulative. I can’t stand being manipulated. He is arrogant. I detest arrogance.
All that being said, I am not ignorant that all of this is taking place during the preparation for the Consecration to Mary. So I am trying to approach this and all of the circumstances of my life right now with an attitude of trustful surrender to the maternal care of Mary. It is very difficult for me to do but I am sincerely attempting to let go of the concerns that I carry around with me like a surgically and psychically attached weight.
The reading from the Imitation yesterday was astonishingly appropriate for me, my propensity for worry and my current circumstances.
When a certain anxious person, who often times wavered between hope and fear, once overcome with sadness, threw himself upon the ground in prayer, before one of the altars in the Church and thinking these things in his mind, said “Oh, if I only knew how to persevere,” that very instant he heard within him, this heavenly answer: “And if thou didst know this, what would thou do? Do now what you would do, and thou shall be perfectly secure.” And immediately being consoled, and comforted, he committed himself to the Divine Will, and his anxious thoughts ceased. He no longer wished for curious things; searching to find out what would happen to him, but studied rather to learn what was the acceptable and perfect will of God for the beginning and the perfection of every good work.
This afternoon I visited with Sr. MJ of the Dominican Nuns. We spent a nice hour together chatting and I mentioned the consecration and my target date of February 11, the feast of Our Lady of Lourdes. She told me that their co-founder, Damien M. Saintourens, OP, prayed very specifically to Our Lady of Lourdes in the Grotto at Lourdes for guidance as to methods to expand devotion to the rosary and he was inspired to found the Dominican Nuns of the Perpetual Rosary.Apparently, February 11 is an important date for their community.
Yesterday, I went to visit my mother and brother. It is about a 150-mile round trip so I try to spend enough time on these visits to help out around the house as best I can. I will usually balance my Mom’s checkbook and do little handyman chores around the house. This time she asked if I could check out the shower because the water pressure was low and it was becoming difficult, as my mother said, “to wash all the shampoo out of my hair.”
Of course, what would have taken an experienced plumber about 20- minutes to take care of turned into an all afternoon affair with multiple trips to Lowes Home Improvement Center amid visions of an emergency call to a plumber to come fix the damage I’d done. Fortunately, my brother-in-law stopped by and, between the two of us (mostly him) we figured it out and all was well.
I stayed for dinner and did a few more little things before leaving at around 9:30 PM. As I entered the PA Turnpike, I had a quick thought that something might happen on the drive home. It was strange because I don’t normally think like that when I’m on the road. Sure enough, about 30 miles into the drive, some sort of animal darted in front of me and I hit the beast at 70 miles an hour. It happened so fast that I never had a chance to lift my foot from the accelerator. Whatever it was, it was about the size of a medium-sized dog and may, in fact, have been a medium sized dog. Not sure. But, no doubt, the creature has gone to meet its maker. It hit hard!
I pulled over a few miles down the road to check my car. The front frill had a crack in it and I thought I might be leaking fluid but, so far, the damage seems minimal.
But the good news is that I am doing things without the encumbrance of the stomach issue that wiped out a good part of my holiday, I am feeling less and less of the effects of stopping the medication and I have continued to keep up the daily consecrations readings and rosary. And I am trying very hard (and this is NOT easy) to surrender everything, big and small, to the Blessed Mother. When I started to work on the shower repair, there was a point where I was seriously thinking that I might be have caused some damage to a fitting and I really thought this could turn into a disaster. But through the whole thing I just kept reminding myself that it was in Mary’s hands and that I shouldn’t anticipate the outcome. It was a long afternoon and very frustrating but, in the end, it all worked out.
I am trying to apply that same attitude of surrender to my interior life as well. I have a tendency to beat myself up for all of the things that I am not or that just don’t come easy to me. I am easily distracted in prayer and find myself thinking that I am not fervent enough or devout enough. These attitudes, too, I am trying to give over to Mary. I can’t change who and what I am and I would hope that, if I approach my prayer life and this consecration preparation with a sincere attempt to surrender, what needs to change will change and what is OK as is will stay the same. I will just try to stay as malleable as I can.
Some quotes from St. Louis and the Imitation:
- They (the Desert Fathers) hated their lives in this world that they might keep them in life everlasting.
- … the great sweetness of contemplation.
- They persevered in true humility…and advanced in spirit and gained great favor with God.
- Nevertheless, temptations are very profitable…for in them a man is humbled, purified and instructed.
- …little confidence in God is the beginning of all temptations.
- God…preordains all things for the salvation of his elect.
The readings from de Montfort have changed from scripture to passages from “The Imitation of Christ.” I tried reading the “Imitation” many years ago with the hope that it would provide inspiration and tangible recommendations for spiritual growth. Perhaps it is a reflection of where I was at the time but I found it nearly impossible to get through. The writing seemed heavy and dark and more of a downer than anything inspirational or uplifting.
What a difference the passage of time can make!
Maybe Thomas a Kempis is better taken in small doses but, in the context of the first part of the preparation, the “Imitation” does a very good job of accomplishing de Montfort’s objective of “emptying oneself of the spirit of the world in penance and mortification.” Here are some phrases that made an impression:
- But I who am more inclined to go back, than to go forward…
- He who would be too secure in time of peace will often be found too much dejected in time of war.
- When you have conceived the spirit of fervor, you should meditate how it will be when that light shall be withdrawn.
- But true glory and holy exultation is to glory in Thee, and not in one’s self;
- Let Thy Name be praised, not mine; let Thy work be magnified, not mine;
There seems more wisdom and true humility here than the dreary palette of suffering and self-degradation that I perceived in my younger middle-aged days. I can see better the merit of true humility rather than humility that will be recognized and praised. It is consistent with the “give in secret” and “pray in secret” instructions from the gospel from the first few days. And I keep reflecting on the triumph of poverty and humility implicit in the “Magnificat” which is one of the daily prayers of the consecration preparation. I tended to view the Magnificat as kind of “self-promotional” (Blessed Mother, forgive me!) but now see it as the prayer of self-renunciation and assertion of utter dependence on God that it actually is.
Apparently, I am still capable of learning! How refreshing…and humbling.
Anectodal Afterthought: Prior to the holidays, I called my nun acquaintance at the Dominican Monastery to see if I could set up an appointment to say hello and catch up. Sister told me that the nuns were in the midst of a retreat and then would be unavailable, even to family, until after Christmas. I figured I would catch up with her some time this month.
Yesterday, I was in the chapel reviewing the day’s consecration readings when I felt called to light a devotional candle. They sisters request a $3 donation for the quite large candles and I picked up a donation envelope before I left. I also figured that I would include a note to Sister in the envelope just to touch base.
This afternoon at about 4PM, I decided to take a few minutes to prepare the envelope and write the note. I was just completing the note when my cell phone rang. I figured it would be my wife with some instructions for after-work errands but I did not recognize the number being displayed. I answered the phone and, to my utter amazement, it was Sister! She was calling to see if I wanted to meet this coming Sunday.
Now, I ask you, what are the odds? I’m writing and she’s calling at that very moment. When she identified herself I literally burst out laughing. Even she got a kick out of the coincidence.
There’s something happening here. What it is ain’t exactly clear. But these little affirmations truly keep me going!
I thought that I would post periodically during the 33 day consecration preparation for my own benefit and for the benefit of anyone else that might drop in during this period.
I am using the 33 day preparation according to St. Louis de Montfort. Can’t really isolate a particular reason for this other than the fact that I have read more about St. Louis and his relationship with Mary and have always appreciated the supreme reverence and devotion with which he approached all things Mary and also because of his thoughtful and convincing rationale for the consecration to Mary. He calls it “The Secret of Mary.”
During the first 12 days the focus is on “casting off the spirit of the world.” Frankly, I believe that much of the fear, worry and anxiety that has plagued me historically has been directly related to my ingrained attitudes about the things of this world. Expectations, reputation, measuring up, fear of failure, etc. are all attitudes that come from trying to meet the artificial standards of success and the perceived repercussions of failures. Just before I began the preparation I read a post at a blog called “The Mercy Blog” that contrasted the notion of being “successful” with being “fruitful.” The timing was perfect and quite relevant to the spirit of the initial phase of the de Montfort consecration.
The readings for the first 2 days have focused on the Sermon on the Mount and the Lord’s teachings on prayer. Both days celebrate the notion of “smallness” before God and of doing the right things for their own sake with no expectation of recognition or congratulations. I have sometimes felt that I was too quiet and private about my spiritual inclinations and devotions. I feel a bit better about keeping things to myself and praying “in secret” where my heavenly Father sees me in secret.
And on a note of follow up to the previous post, the brain zaps and general internal chaos of the medication withdrawal symptoms are still there but have reduced greatly in intensity. Thursday through Saturday were really difficult and Mass last evening was a real challenge but every day, especially today, has been a bit better. As a matter of fact, my appetite has returned for the first time in weeks and this evening, despite the bitter cold, I actually went out for a jog! I haven’t done that since the late summer. Now that’s progress!
One thing that has become apparent to me over time (and I know I’ve said this before) is how therapeutic this blog is for me. As I sit contemplating certain subjects I’ll find myself thinking, “Hey, I need to write about this.” Many times it is simply to get things out of my system.
Today that subject is “brain zaps.” No, these are not a form of spiritual enlightenment or even a type of intellectual inspiration. They are, actually, a symptom of withdrawal from many anti-depressant medications. Strange to say but brain zaps may become, for me, a means to spiritual enlightenment. Or at least a means to increased faith.
For the past 10 years I have been using the medication Effexor. It is prescribed as an anti-depressant though that is not the original reason that it was prescribed for me. (And that is another story entirely.) When I first started taking Effexor in 2000, I noticed that I began to feel differently about things. I started seeing things in a more positive light and, at one point, was even able to say to myself, “So this is what’s it’s like to feel normal.” It was at this time that I realized, with the help of a therapist, that I had been dealing for most of my life with a chronic anxiety disorder. It was (to borrow a word used earlier) an “enlightenment” to finally realize that after over 25 years, there was a name for the episodes that had plagued me most of my adult life and had even landed me in the hospital during my college days. When I thought that I was “going crazy,” I was actually having anxiety attacks.
Over time tough, these benefits seemed to wear off and I actually found myself becoming kind of “numb” about life. Things that used to provide pleasure like music, friends, traveling, etc. just did not have the same effect. To paraphrase Pink Floyd, I had become “uncomfortably numb.” And anxiety was, once again, becoming an issue.
All that being said, earlier this week I had an appointment with a gastroenterologist at Johns Hopkins Hospital. One of the things that we discussed was the medications I was taking. A couple of months ago, I had switched from Effexor to Pristiq, a different form of the same medication. I definitely noticed an enhancement of my stomach problems and the doctor told me that these types of medications are notorious for contributing to digestive issues. Since I have become determined to take as many factors out of the digestive problems as possible, I made a decision to stop taking the Pristiq.
Today is the fourth day without Pristiq. Over time, I have read many horror stories online about people struggling to get off of anti-depressants. One of the most difficult symptoms of withdrawal for many are the aforementioned brain zaps. It is a sensation that is very difficult to describe but it is as if there was a power supply deep in your brain that would send electrical surges in quick pulses every few minutes throughout your entire head. It doesn’t hurt but it is extremely disorienting!
This is another challenge that I have placed in the hands of the Blessed Mother. At this point I just need to tough it out and I am relying on Mary to strengthen me and pray for, and with, me to Jesus. Frankly, the withdrawal symptoms have been quite challenging but tolerable. I was very concerned about enhanced depression and anxiety and emotional instability but so far, so good.
Tomorrow, I will begin the formal 33-day preparation for consecration to Mary. Even though I made the consecration on January 1, I believe that these 33 days will provide much understanding and insight into Mary and her role as gateway to Christ.
I know that I talk a lot about personal problems/issues/challenges on this blog. I know that only a few people ever visit here and I admire and sincerelyappreciate anyone that would even take time to work their way through these stream-of-consciousness rants. Other blogs I enjoy and find helpful present inspiration and direct me to other excellent spiritual resources. I usually present info about gastro-intestinal distress and anxiety disorders. How pleasant! But this is my life and this is who I am and it really is good to just let it all out in a blog post. Like I say in my header, I am “just some Catholic guy trying to figure it all out.” I am a chronic worrier, weak and sinful. A husband/father/son/brother/friend who has said “yes” to Christ with the gift and hope that is my Catholic faith. I wish that I was smarter, a better provider and had made better decisions in the past. But I do feel called by Jesus, through Mary, in a way that makes me feel a bit special and good about myself. Jesus and Mary are my providers.
Uh-oh. Time to go. Here come the brain zaps!! (Holy Mary, mother of God, please tell the cranial power company, “enough already!”) 
So, here we are 6 days into a new year already. I know that a lot of people are happy to be rid of 2009 and I hope that 2010 holds many blessings especially for those that have been negatively impacted by the economy. I think it is easy to become desensitized to the plight of so many of our neighbors because the problems have become so pervasive. Personally, I have found it more and more difficult to watch or listen to the news partly, and selfishly, because bad news breeds insecurity and I don’t want to increase my insecurity level any higher than it is already.
With that in mind I need to call myself to account for something. A few months ago I said to my wife that I would consider it “miraculous” if we were to get to the end of the year and have been able to:
1. Pay for my daughter’s wedding
2. Pay our school/real estate taxes, and
3. Pay all of my 2009 quarterly employment taxes (since I am essentially self-employed).
Based on my own statement then, there has been a miraculous occurrence because all of these have been accomplished. I am both grateful for prayers answered and disappointed in my weak faith. Even in the face of these issues having been addressed, I find myself worrying about things that may or may not happen and I sometimes wonder what it is going to take to bring me over that threshold from catastrophic thinking to trust and acceptance. I have decided to view this difficulty that I have with trust more as a cross to be borne than a weakness to be regretted. There are some things that are just ingrained in each of us and are not necessarily a character defect. They are more like disabilities. I am going to attempt to be less hard on myself about this.
Just prior to the holidays, Gabrielle, of Contemplative Haven, had asked during an email exchange whether I had ever considered the consecration to Mary. I responded that I had but I had some questions about the relationship of this sort of formal commitment to Mary with our Catholic foundational beliefs in faith and surrender to Christ. She made me comfortable by identifying some resources that I reviewed and I discovered that Pope John Paul II went through the same sort of questioning process earlier in his priesthood. But we know that JPII had entrusted himself and the whole world to Mary from the beginning of his papacy and his motto was “Totus Tuus” (Totally Yours).
Another recommendation that Gabrielle made, based on some things that were occurring at the time, was to take an approach that was basically an expedited form of the consecration that would have me consecrate myself on the Feast of the Solemnity of Mary on January 1. I did follow that recommendation and, despite being basically bedridden for most of New Year’s Day, I made the consecration to the Immaculate Heart of Mary on January1. The consecration usually takes place after a 33 day preparation and I intend to follow that consecration process in it’s entirety beginning on January 9 and ending on February 11, the feast of Our Lady of Lourdes.
As I have mentioned, I have had a 24 year practice of praying the rosary on a regular basis. Yet, I never felt that I had a special devotion to the Blessed Mother. It was more of a devotion to, and reliance on, the prayer form than the person behind that prayer. I believe that the rosary has played an enormous role in my spiritual life and development and, in some ways (hopefully), has saved my soul. I had often felt a calling to a deeper, more formal devotion to Mary but I believe that, subconsciously, I was resisting. After all, it is the 21st century and I am a child of the 1950s and ’60s…not the 1850s and ’60s! And even though I tried to pray the rosary every single day, it was not something I would admit readily or easily, even to my own wife! I am a man after all. But then again, so were both of my grandfathers, both of whom were deeply devoted to the rosary and one of whom experienced an apparition from the Blessed Mother just prior to his death.
A few years ago, I read the book “The Song of Bernadette” and it affected me deeply. Since then, my defenses against a special and unique devotion to Mary have weakened and, finally, evaporated. The time was right and the decision was, and has been, made. I have been reading and trying to gain a deeper appreciation, and understanding, of the meaning of “Totus Tuus.” Even during these very first days of the beginning of a new decade, I have been looking to, and calling on, Mary in a different way and with a different attitude than before. But I have a very, very long way to go.
So I call on the Immaculate Heart of Mary to lead me and guide me through the days, months and years ahead. I am very much a babe in these holy woods and I’m certain there will be many stumbles and challenges along the way. But I have entrusted myself to a new guide for this journey and I ask that she remove my fears and light my way on this path to Christ, on this road to kingdom come.
