One thing that has become apparent to me over time (and I know I’ve said this before) is how therapeutic this blog is for me. As I sit contemplating certain subjects I’ll find myself thinking, “Hey, I need to write about this.” Many times it is simply to get things out of my system.
Today that subject is “brain zaps.” No, these are not a form of spiritual enlightenment or even a type of intellectual inspiration. They are, actually, a symptom of withdrawal from many anti-depressant medications. Strange to say but brain zaps may become, for me, a means to spiritual enlightenment. Or at least a means to increased faith.
For the past 10 years I have been using the medication Effexor. It is prescribed as an anti-depressant though that is not the original reason that it was prescribed for me. (And that is another story entirely.) When I first started taking Effexor in 2000, I noticed that I began to feel differently about things. I started seeing things in a more positive light and, at one point, was even able to say to myself, “So this is what’s it’s like to feel normal.” It was at this time that I realized, with the help of a therapist, that I had been dealing for most of my life with a chronic anxiety disorder. It was (to borrow a word used earlier) an “enlightenment” to finally realize that after over 25 years, there was a name for the episodes that had plagued me most of my adult life and had even landed me in the hospital during my college days. When I thought that I was “going crazy,” I was actually having anxiety attacks.
Over time tough, these benefits seemed to wear off and I actually found myself becoming kind of “numb” about life. Things that used to provide pleasure like music, friends, traveling, etc. just did not have the same effect. To paraphrase Pink Floyd, I had become “uncomfortably numb.” And anxiety was, once again, becoming an issue.
All that being said, earlier this week I had an appointment with a gastroenterologist at Johns Hopkins Hospital. One of the things that we discussed was the medications I was taking. A couple of months ago, I had switched from Effexor to Pristiq, a different form of the same medication. I definitely noticed an enhancement of my stomach problems and the doctor told me that these types of medications are notorious for contributing to digestive issues. Since I have become determined to take as many factors out of the digestive problems as possible, I made a decision to stop taking the Pristiq.
Today is the fourth day without Pristiq. Over time, I have read many horror stories online about people struggling to get off of anti-depressants. One of the most difficult symptoms of withdrawal for many are the aforementioned brain zaps. It is a sensation that is very difficult to describe but it is as if there was a power supply deep in your brain that would send electrical surges in quick pulses every few minutes throughout your entire head. It doesn’t hurt but it is extremely disorienting!
This is another challenge that I have placed in the hands of the Blessed Mother. At this point I just need to tough it out and I am relying on Mary to strengthen me and pray for, and with, me to Jesus. Frankly, the withdrawal symptoms have been quite challenging but tolerable. I was very concerned about enhanced depression and anxiety and emotional instability but so far, so good.
Tomorrow, I will begin the formal 33-day preparation for consecration to Mary. Even though I made the consecration on January 1, I believe that these 33 days will provide much understanding and insight into Mary and her role as gateway to Christ.
I know that I talk a lot about personal problems/issues/challenges on this blog. I know that only a few people ever visit here and I admire and sincerelyappreciate anyone that would even take time to work their way through these stream-of-consciousness rants. Other blogs I enjoy and find helpful present inspiration and direct me to other excellent spiritual resources. I usually present info about gastro-intestinal distress and anxiety disorders. How pleasant! But this is my life and this is who I am and it really is good to just let it all out in a blog post. Like I say in my header, I am “just some Catholic guy trying to figure it all out.” I am a chronic worrier, weak and sinful. A husband/father/son/brother/friend who has said “yes” to Christ with the gift and hope that is my Catholic faith. I wish that I was smarter, a better provider and had made better decisions in the past. But I do feel called by Jesus, through Mary, in a way that makes me feel a bit special and good about myself. Jesus and Mary are my providers.
Uh-oh. Time to go. Here come the brain zaps!! (Holy Mary, mother of God, please tell the cranial power company, “enough already!”) 
I truly admire your stoicism, determination, and faith, but believe it or not, I’d be the first to say go off the med more slowly — some of these things need a slow exit so as to keep side effects (like zaps) down to a dull roar. Either way, I’ll be praying for you, and congrats on tomorrow’s beginning of Consecration!
God bless the coming 33 days.
Thank you both so very much. And Carol, you are absolutely right to caution about getting off too quickly. Unfortunately, Pristiq’s lowest dose is 50 mg and it is in an extended release pill form and can’t be cut or split. I tried going every other day then every third day but it is like going up and down on a brain zap roller coaster. Almost no way to avoid just stopping at some point. If it were up to me I’d be shaving little bits off every day and taking as long as humanly possible to avoid these feelings.
EDITORIAL COMMENT: I think that the drug companies have been almost criminally negligent in their lack of caution to physicians and consumers about the downsides of many anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications. I have read so many posts from anguished people trying to deal with side effects and withdrawal symptoms (or as the drug companies call it, “discontinuation syndrome”) from these meds that it is heartbreaking. I know that many millions have likely benefited but only God knows how many are trapped in a living nightmare.
I remember watching some horrific YouTubes about brainzaps when Penni was going through this because I wanted to understand it better. I’m sorry it’s disorienting, but relieved that it’s not too painful for you, Terry, and I hope it eases off very soon.
Blessings on your preparation journey…
Thanks Gabrielle. I really hate the way this feels but am grateful that it’s not worse. It is adding a certain interesting dimension to the preparation.