Tonight I attended Mass at the Dominican Monastery and, afterward, made the consecration to Jesus through Mary. The consecration prayer, as presented by St. Louis de Montfort, is a very beautiful statement of commitment and is genuinely “Jesus-focused.” I purposely avoided reading the consecration prayer beforehand so that I could absorb the statements as they were expressed. The statement that made the strongest impression on me was as follows:
Oh admirable Mother, present me to your dear Son as his slave, now and for always, so that he who redeemed me through you, will now receive me through you.
To be honest and utterly human here, I am hoping for something from this consecration. I know that may seem counter to the whole intention of “holy slavery” and to the commitment to give Mary “the full right to dispose of me and all that belongs to me, without any reservations, in whatever way you please.” One of my great hesitations in any attempt to surrender my life to the Lord was a fear that a consequence of that surrender would be the loss of something that I then perceived as critical or utterly important. Job, health, family, etc. That fear has not abated.
I feel that I am at a very precarious point in my life and today, on the day of total consecration to Jesus through Mary, I am excruciatingly aware of the fragility of all things. Frankly, I am utterly exhausted by my digestive problems. The absence of any physical diagnosis leads me to have to consider the possibility that all of this is induced by anxiety, an emotion/condition that I am at a loss to control. I met with my therapist this morning and told him how frustrated and weary I was of trying to get at this “thing” that seems to inhabit my psyche and rule my emotional self through fear. And all of this physical and emotional upset in the midst of the looming job/financial crisis that will likely and finally come to a head in the next couple weeks.
So back to my original statement that I am hoping for something from the consecration. I am sincerely hoping and praying for healing…physical and emotional. That is not at all the sole reason why I proceeded with the consecration. I truly wanted to deepen my relationship and devotion to the Blessed Mother. But I am feeling rather desperate to hold myself together. I know that if I must endure some financial setback based on the current circumstances, then I will accept it as God’s will. It is the notion of this occurring while I am struggling with the stomach and the anxiety that absolutely terrifies me. And I am not afraid to admit it. I am just so very afraid of simply falling apart, whatever in the world that means.
But what a statement to make on a day such as today! I am supposed to be a man of faith. I am supposed to be willing to accept all in the name of Christ through his Blessed Mother. Yet I am allowing fear to overwhelm me, a fear that has roots more than 50 years deep. What sort of example of Christian faith and acceptance am I? Not much of one. All I can do is call on the Mother of God to buttress me with her faith, encourage me with her hope and console me with her love. I pray that by uniting myself to her Immaculate Heart I can absorb the virtues that are so lacking in me right now.
Thank you, Jesus, for the gift of your Mother. Thank you Mary for the gift of yourself. Please accept your flawed and fragile child as your property and possession. Amen.
And thank you Gabrielle, Pia, Carol, Owen and those who read anonymously for your patience and prayers. I am feeling a bit of a holy mess right now.
Hey Terry, God bless you.
I think this is one more honest post. I don’t feel it lacks faith and as I have entered into various disciplines and devotions I have sometimes questions my own authenticity and ability to see them through in the way that is prescribed. I’ve failed. God is Good.
My heartfelt congratulations on your consecration, Terry, and I pray that Jesus and Mary will bless you abundantly as They work with you daily on your fears and anxieties. There’s a wee blue candle glowing for you now in front of the Blessed Virgin at St. Pat’s…
Congratulations Terry. You’re a very courageous man, and every post is filled with faith, which paradoxically cannot exist without doubt and fear. Thank you for your example.
And now, in the Pieta, we see Her holding you, Terry. Congratulations.
You are all so wonderful. I feel like Dorothy being accompanied to the Emerald City by new friends that she feels she’s know all her life.
Owen, thank you for recognizing the utter frankness in my posts. I often feel so weak and inadequate but feel a responsibility to say it like it is. After all, this is a journey with ups, downs, good and bad. Part of my journey has been a lifelong battle with fear and anxiety. I can’t and won’t stop fighting it but sometimes I fear that it will get the best of me.
Gabrielle, thank you for your prayers and support. I pray that the prayers represented by that blue candle will drift Heaven-ward and get the ear of Jesus through Mary.
Pia, how you see courage and faith in my writings I don’t know but I am grateful for your perceptive powers. To keep struggling and being recognized for it is uplifting and encouraging.
Carol, I can’t think of a more peace-filled image than being held in the loving and healing embrace of my Heavenly Mother.
Hi Terry. Just found your blog from a comment of yours on Gabrielle’s. Oh, I know those feelings you describe so well, even to the health worries. I remember feeling acutely this way coming up to my Profession to the (Franciscan) Third Order. In some ways I have lost just those things I feared to lose; and yet, you know, our Lord’s words have proved true (as they always are!) when he replied to Peter’s anxious question in Matthew 19.27, and said, “everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields, for my name’s sake, will receive a hundredfold.”
Carol’s image is so beautiful and so accurate, “for you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God…”
Bless you, Terry. God is good – always! – and he does work in all things for the good of those who love him… and your love comes so clearly through every sentence of this post.
Mike,
Thanks for visiting and for your kind and encouraging words. I think I could handle the “bad things” if I just didn’t feel so terrible physically. But I know that I need to ebtrust all things to Jesus through Mary. But it is scary and it ain’t easy!