One thing that I have noticed over the past weeks is the difficulty in praying when feeling ill or stressed. Not only is prayer harder but patience, acceptance and maintaining faith are also challenges. All too often I have found myself asking “Why?” and “Where are you?” when, in better times and circumstances I am always willing to embrace the notion of suffering in faith as if it will be a piece of cake when it is actually required.
Last night and this morning were very difficult. No need to ramble on about it but it was well into the day before I finally realized that it was Ash Wednesday. Talk about being distracted! When that light bulb finally did go on I found myself struggling with the notion of going to Mass. Not just attending Mass but actually just driving to the church. Everything has become an effort, even the simplest tasks.
That being said, I did go to Mass at 7PM. I sat in the small glass-fronted community room that picks up overflow at Sunday Mass. I like the isolation and there were just a few people in the room.
My greatest concern was to have a prayerful and appropriate attitude for Ash Wednesday, the beginning of the Lenten Season. I always try to enter Lent with a spirit or attitude consistent with the call for prayer, fasting and almsgiving. But at that moment, I felt like I had accomplished something by simply being there.
However, as the service progressed I found myself reflecting on my current circumstances and the essence of Lent and its preparatory nature. Prior to receiving ashes I sincerely asked Mary to unite my heart with hers and to develop in me an accepting and surrendering heart. I acknowledged my own sinfulness and unworthiness to even be present there with the Blessed Sacrament and at the celebration of the Eucharist. I asked for the grace of humility, patience, perseverance and prayerful acceptance. I was able to say, with full conviction, that I offered myself to Jesus through her Immaculate Heart and presented all of the challenges I am facing (fear, anxiety, depression, stomach problems) for the forgiveness of all my sins, for sinners everywhere and for the souls in Purgatory.
There is no great action that took place there but I considered it a gift of true grace that allowed me to gather myself for that brief period to embrace my sufferings and honestly and sincerely offer them up. I have offered prayers like this many times in the past but I usually feel like I am saying what I’m supposed to say. This time, I felt like it came from the heart.
One of the things I was led to expect from the Consecration to Mary was a type of inner transformation. I prayed that my thoughts would be united with Mary’s thoughts, my prayers be united with Mary’s prayers. I felt a bit of that tonight. And I only say that because I do not feel like I was capable of feeling what I ended up feeling tonight. It could not have been me. I have been too miserable and self-pitying lately. It had to be God’s grace in me through Mary. For that I am truly and sincerely grateful.
I admire your humble surrender. I have real trouble with that.
I also just wanted to say that becoming consecrated to the Sacred Heart via the Immaculate Heart is a conversion like all others we go through. It is a gradual process.. I guess one could say it’s a process of fiats, one after another, bit by bit. Or that’s how I’ve found it. The Lord’s timetable and ours vary greatly, and the same would be true for Mary, though as Mother she pushes things through, and like a Mother, is always working on things in the background which we aren’t aware of until after the fact. Hang in there.
I commit to praying for you through these next 40 days.
May you find peace in Christ through His Mother.
Thank you Carol. That’s what I am hoping also. I do not want to be void of problems and struggles. I just don’t want to incapable of dealing with them in manner that at the very least demonstrates Christian faith and acceptance. That is what I feel like I’m losing a grip on and why last night made such an impression on me. I did what I am incapable of doing on my own. That is grace!
And Janet, thank you for visiting. Your prayer commitment is utterly humbling. Honestly, I am usually not this much of a downer. Just the last few months have been an ordeal at numerous levels. God bless you!
Well, it’s a real mortification when we can only turn our eyes to Heaven and not be able to say or even form a word. But that’s no less a prayer, and may even be more a prayer than we know. I believe that’s when the Holy Spirit prays for us in groans.