I had started to write a post that asked if I was being selfish by posting so much that might seem negative or have the tendency to bring a reader down rather than uplift or encourage them in some way. But I then reminded myself that the purpose of this blog was to document the journey of faith through the ups and the downs. This just happens to be one of the “down” periods.
My last post was a lot to digest and I am surprised and grateful that anyone even took the time to read it. Thank you Carol and Gab and anyone else that read and may not have commented. I am at a time in my life where I really feel the need to verbalize, both in writing and vocally, the things that are going on in my head. Selfishly, it is cathartic and a bit therapeutic. But our faith journey consists of our experiences and how we react to those experiences. If I’m going to document a faith journey then it needs to reflect what I am experiencing and how I am reacting to those experiences.
One thing I have realized is how weak my faith is and how negative my view of life is. I truly wonder how I have become so very pessimistic about everything and why I am so reluctant to trust the Lord and surrender all things to him in faith. I thought that I would be stronger than that at this point and I am quite disappointed in myself, especially after just completing the consecration to Mary.
There is a lot going on inside of me right now that seems to be sourcing from the very core of my subconscious. So much of the fear that I am experiencing is irrational and overblown that I can only attribute it to deep seated fears and anxieties that, as yet, haven’t been defined or addressed. But I am also acutely aware that my brain chemistry is all out of whack right now. Trying to describe what is happening in my head right now is virtually impossible. Suffice it to say that I know the difference between situational anxiety and the more serious manifestations of anxiety and depression.
I believe that I made a huge mistake in November and December when I decided to switch from Effexor to Pristiq and then discontinue the Pristiq when the side effects became intolerable. So after being on a medication that is prescribed for anxiety and depression for almost a decade, I ended up on nothing and now I am paying for that decision dearly. I am taking a medication specifically for anxiety called Buspar but my system sure seems to be missing whatever it is that helps keep depression at bay. I’ll be talking to my doctor early next week about that.
I am finding it difficult to pray but I am trying. And I still take notice of things around me that I believe may have been placed there for my edification. Last week, at the recommendation of one of the priests I spoke to during my retreat weekend, I visited a nun near Gettysburg, PA who acts as a spiritual director. Her residence is only a few miles up the road from St. Mary’s College in Emmitsburg, MD. There is a replica of the grotto at Lourdes on the campus, and I made it a point to drive down there since I was so close.
When I arrived, I parked and walked to the grotto area which featured a tiny chapel. I was the only one there and was able to spend a bit of time alone before the Blessed Sacrament after which I went to the grotto and lit a candle and said a prayer to Our Lady of Lourdes asking for healing. I then returned to my car but, just as I was about to get in, I noticed a very large icon or mural depicting the image of Our Lady of Guadalupe which stood just to the right of the entrance to the walkway that led to the grotto. I walked up to the image to get a better look and saw that just beneath the image of Our Lady were words that she had spoken to St. Juan Diego. They read:
“Hear me and understand well, my son the least, that nothing should frighten or grieve you. Let not your heart be disturbed. Do not fear that sickness, nor any other sickness or anguish. Am I not here, who is your Mother? Are you not under my protection? Am I not your health? Are you not happily within my fold? What else do you wish? Do not grieve nor be disturbed by anything.”
I can only hope that these words were meant for me to read that day. And I can only pray for the grace to embrace these words and act on them.
While you await grandchildren who will force you into your second childhood, you could prepare for that with a day off.
A day off from all shouds. One day a week. Or start out with a 4-hour period. No shoulds allowed. None! Should you begin it with prayer? No! Pray because you sincerely want to. Pray the way you want to. Invite Heaven into your 4 hours any way you want to. See Him as Someone Who has been waiting for this afternoon or evening. Should you spend this time with your wife? No! She’s always with you in spirit; do something you really want to do. Fishing. Circus. Opera. Okay, fishing. Whale watch. 4 hr. drive to a great ice cream stand. Wear a funny hat, if you want to. Don’t shave, if you don’t want to. You’re a human being, a beloved one, not a saint. Leave Him something to sculpt, His own way. Just show up and be open to your gift of life. That day or those hours will surely fortify you.
Now, send this back to me, because I need to hear it, too.
And yes, Her message was meant for you. There can be no doubt.
This is the best advice I’ve ever heard. Send it to me, too…
I did for both of you as you requested.
Oh, I want to join in. I delight in wearing peculiar hats.
Terry, when you find something cathartic/therapeutic like verbalizing or journaling, don’t even think for a second it’s selfish! These are ways God has given you to help uncover and release everything that’s been buried for too long. That’s probably one of the reasons why Julia Cameron’s “Morning Pages” (3 long-hand pages first thing in the morning) have helped so many people over the years!