I know that the world is filled with thousands of truly evil individuals who have inflicted great physical and emotional harm on people all over the world. Terrorists, murderers, thieves and various other scoundrels test the faith and patience of innocent victims in virtually every corner of the globe. It is in dealing with those who seem to lack any moral compass or even anything that passes for a conscience that Christians are faced with the extraordinary task of acting against their very nature as they attempt to respond to the call to “love your enemies” and “forgive those that trespass against us.”
Most of us will likely never be faced with the most drastic scenarios such as how to forgive someone who has murdered a family member or has brought some sort of devastation into our lives. But we all must deal with those who are affecting our lives in such a way that they are bringing out the worst in us and challenging our attempts to imitate Christ.
I am being challenged in just such a way right now.
I have described the ongoing issues with our business partner and we are now in discussions to attempt to buy him out of the business and then try and rebuild the crippled vessel that remains. The tensions between all of us have been building since last summer and now that we are actually in the process of “separating,” the level of animosity is rising.
I do not like conflict and confrontation. It stresses me out and, frankly, I am not very good at the give and take of verbal sparring that takes place during heated discussions. Even if I know that I am right a decent debater can get the better of me. But mostly, I find confrontations ugly and unproductive. So, during the discussions and negotiations I have attempted to take the high ground and maintain a civil disposition. Truth be told, if we want this to ever get done it is in our best interest not to let it deteriorate into nastiness. Then, nobody wins.
In the meantime, though, I am truly struggling with the thoughts and feelings that I have towards the partner in question whom I may have referred to earlier as the “Silverback,” as in silverback gorilla. He is duplicitous, irrational, illogical, manipulative, arrogant, unreasonable and dishonest. He purports to be a Christian which tends to heighten the sensitivity I have to each of the characteristics I have outlined. And even though he thoroughly abused his role as majority partner and business manager, he is positioning himself as the victim in these proceedings.
I cannot begin to describe the negative feelings I have for this person. He holds my fate in his hands and is making this whole process as excruciating as possible. He lives in my brain morning, noon and night. I dread every discussion we have and it is everything I can do to not just let loose when he starts with the petty demands and irrational statements. But I realize that if cooler heads don’t prevail then we will never get where we need to be.
I have not been very disciplined with myself this Lenten season. With the physical and emotional stresses I am balancing I am nowhere near as conscious of prayer and sacrifice as I would like to be. But I am carrying a cross this Lent, of that there is no doubt. I am trying to walk the fine line between making good business decisions and being taken advantage of. But I am also walking the fine line between tolerance, patience and forgiveness and anger, bitterness and (dare I say it) hatred.
I have come to truly despise this man and I am struggling with the ugliness of that. Yet these circumstances have confronted me squarely with the core of our call as Christians to “love one another.” And in that area I am a work in progress. I so much want this thing to be over yet I don’t want to surrender to the temptation to hate and resent another person. It has made me truly appreciate the challenge of our Christian vocation and the difficulty of taking the words on the page in a scripture and acting on them in my life.
So I have to force myself to say a prayer for the Silverback when I pray the rosary. Sometimes I forget but when I remember it is not at all easy to do. I wish I were more sincere when I pray for him but it is the best I can do right now. Perhaps if I can grow in virtue and “holiness,” through the intercession of the Blessed Virgin Mary, I will be able to pray more sincerely for this man. But for now, lip service will have to do.
God forgive me.
Actually, you need to look this dope in the eye, tell him he has caused you worry and grief and inform him that you’re done taking it. You don’t have to add “or else.” Usually, that’s all a bully has to hear –that we’re DONE, though there’ll certainly come forth 6 comments to try to intimidate you while he searches for some face-saving or cya. It’s not a matter of this being a holiness test you can flunk. You can pray for him before it, all through it, and after. Do it for your stomach’s sake. I honestly think that’s the only thing that can be salvaged in this particular issue.
May the Lord grant you wisdom, gentleness and grace. May He continue to uphold you. May the intercession of our Holy Mother comfort and guide.
Oh Carol, thank you. I wish that it were that simple. But to present all of the details of this convoluted relationship is more than anyone would want to read and likely impossible to adequately explain. Trust me, there is nothing I would rather do than just tell him off and be done with him but that would make me feel good for a little while but cause damage that would have long-term implications for me and my family. I am in one of those situations where I just have to deal with it. Not what I want but just the way it is.
Owen, Thanks for that.
Well, I was afraid there might be ramifications. In that event, you’ll have to turn him over to your guardian angel.
Dear Friend in Christ,
I stumbled upon your blog today and, first, I will pray for you and your family. It’s an awful situation that you’re going through and I can relate. I was let go from a job five months ago for no other reason than political expediency. Though my employer graciously provided a generous severance package, there is no work out there for a family man. I went through several months of anger, disillusion and high anxiety before I slowly accepted my predicament and consciously committed the resolution in God’s Hands. Everyone likes to feel a sense of security in the means by which they support themselves and their families and it’s certainly excruciating to live through the prospects of a fulfilling career go up in smoke. Having gone through this experience 15 years earlier and suffering from clinical depression, I vividly recalled prior experiences on how not to walk through the valley this time. At the end of the day, I believe that crises such as these are a wake-up call from Jesus to remember who’s ultimately in control. Have faith and be strong, the victory has already been won on the Cross.
Unfortunately, we cannot change other people. Like you, I was the victim of a bully (may God have Mercy) but I pray for him every day. I can’t tell you how much that this has taken the edge off of my anger and hostility. I am not a victim (any longer) but a committed follower of Jesus and Mary. They have brought me safely to this point and they will not abandon me or you. There is still a roof over my family’s head and God has not failed in delivering “our daily bread”. You have the Light of Christ in your heart and no one can take that away from you. “Pray unceasingly”, my friend; that’s the only way out of the darkness. I’m nowhere near seeing the light at the end of the tunnel regarding my situation but I believe that the only safe way out is to have a total and complete trust and reliance on Jesus and Mary to take the next step. It doesn’t mean that everything’s peaches and cream but I have a peace that the world can’t provide. Take a deep breath and work on handing over that which you can’t control to God. One moment at a time.
I pray that you find the courage, strength and perseverence to get through your dark days. You can’t control others but you can pray that the Light of Christ shines into his heart one day.
My prayers and best wishes to you and your family as you try to get through. Trust Jesus, you will.
Remember how you took the high road in the January meeting with him, Terry, and how that affected him in a way you would never have anticipated. It may appear that the effect has not lasted, but one can never tell, and he may be watching you for consistency. Please don’t berate yourself for your negative feelings towards him, but release them every day, or all throughout the day, for they do not affect him at all, but only you; just release them to Jesus and Mary. And maybe spend some quiet time with something you wrote here about your partner: “He holds my fate in his hands…” Sometimes our hearts can be so filled with fear for the future that we truly believe things like this, and we are so petrified that we can’t see other possibilities, but with God all things are possible, even new beginnings in our fifties, or complete reversals of situations that we thought were hopeless. And as Rick said in his beautiful comment, it is ultimately Jesus Who is in control, not our business partners, our bosses or the corporations…
Here are some tools(prayers) that help me deal with people who I think are spiritually sick.”God help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully show a sick friend”.
-He who angers me, controls me!
-Anger is the sin that kills!
This is out of a prayer book of mine might be helpful
The moment you start to resent a person you become that person’s slave. He or she controls your dreams, absorbs your digestion, robs you of your pleasure of you work.
A person you resent ruins your spirituality and nullifies your prayers. You cannot take a vacation without that person going along! He or she destroys your freedom of mind and hounds you wherever you go. There is no way to escape the person you resent. That person is with you when you are awake and invades your privacy when you sleep. That person is close beside you when you eat, when you drive your car, and when you are on the job. You can never have efficency or happiness. The person you resent even influences the tone of your voice. He or she requires you to take medicine for indigestion, headaches, and loss of energy. That person even steals your last moment of consciousness before you go to sleep. We must ask God to remove this immediately! “Thy will be done”
“God grant us the serenity to accept the (people, places,
situations) things we cannot change!The courage to change the things(me,you) we can!